Finals Week Tips from D.S. Kaminsky

You’re just a Dartmouth Student; but I guess that means a lot. Best of Luck to all of you nerds!


#1 Drink black Iced Coffee and Diet Coke.

#2 Gallons of semen. Don’t drink that unless you’re a naughty freshman; yeah that’s all I have to say in a fragment.

#3 Masturbation is a noun at Dartmouth: a Person, a Place, a Thing, and an Idea. Proper nouns right? are you going to correct me editor?

#4 Drugs are safe as long as you think you’re alternative and really awesome o’possum. I’m not being cynical. I’m just talking some fifth grade slang! Yeah, but only if you have an eating disorder like Kate Moss; I promise I’m not corrupting the youth! No one pays me to do that.

#5 But, actually, good luck on your finals! I’ll be in the Maldives, so call me from my other phone.

#6 You can’t get rid of my narrative voice, or my Swiss bank account

#7 You’re not a legacy at Studio 54

#8 Sorry not all of us can be.

#9 I’ll take you out to a sale at Gucci and either lock you up in a bathroom, or let you rack up the goods.

#10 You’re just a Dartmouth Student; but I guess that means a lot. Best of Luck to all of you nerds! Spend impulsively, for that I’ve found is the means to happiness.