Male on the Female Orgasm:
-Okay this is it. After four weeks of making eye contact, six weeks of making small talk, and 3 hours of making believe I enjoy Les Miserables, you are finally allowed to touch boobs. Big night. Don’t blow it. Show your worth. Show her you know what you’re doing.
*Fumbling around trying to unhook bra with 1 hand for a few seconds, eventually becomes a clear failure
*Pause kissing, awkwardly use 2 hands to unhook. Silence in room is deafening .
- Slow it the fuck you dumb sack of shit! God, be more transparent. The last thing this girl wants is for some rando from her 10A to try to get it in on your first da-
* She took off her pants. SHE TOOK OFF HER OWN FUCKING PANTS!!!
-Game-changer. You’re in prime position. She’s into it. Keep your cool. Don’t abandon foreplay too quickly. The build-up is what gets girls’ going.
* You’re doing well. Keep moving your hands around. Girls have like, seven androgynous zones don’t they? You read that somewhere didn’t you? Fuck stay focused. Nipples seem hard, that’s definitely a good sign.
-Your high-school girlfriend Kate used to always tease you for forsaking foreplay once you started banging. But that was back when you were a boy. You’re a man now. You have at least 3x the amount of chest hair. Four years have passed, you have real, college experience under your belt now. You’ve grown, haven’t you? Lets try to take it downstairs slowly and see what you can do…
*Dry as toast. God you suck.
-Who the fuck were you kidding? Growth?? You have sex with 6 girls while sloppy drunk and now you’ve become some of sex-God? You still bust in less than 5 minutes and masturbate twice a day, you fucking pathetic shithead. Kate would laugh… Goddamnit stop thinking of your fucking high school girlfriend. DO YOU WANT TO GO SOFT?
* WHOA. Not dry. Were you just touching the wrong place? Are you actually that dumb? Whatever, it doesn’t matter because you’re fucking killing it. This girl is into you. Now go to work and show her what you can do.
-Okay, haven’t done this in a while. This is how you do it… right? It feels like you’re doing it right… the clitoris is definitely on top right? Should you go in-and-out? Slow or fast? Didn’t you used to include a thumb in this charade…?
*No that definitely doesn’t seem right.
-Stick with the basics. Slow and steady wins the race, girls like taking it slow… although she isn’t really giving much of a clue. That can’t be a good sign. Maybe you need to stick your face down there and see if that helps…?
* Loud groan. Or was it a moan? Is there a difference between a moan and a groan? Her breathing seems to be getting heavier, this is definitely a good sign. *Her fingernails are now dug into your shoulders.
- YOU’RE A CUNNINLINGUIS MACHINE. God, you are such a fucking generous lover. You’ve always been thoughtful, always cared about others happiness more than your own. God, Mom was right, how could anyone not like you?
* Breathing gets faster. She breathlessly gasps your name.
-AND THE CROWD GOES CRAZY! Unstoppable. You’re throwing a perfect game. Fastball, curveball, spitball, you’ve got all your pitches working today baby! You’ve never seen it before, but you think you see the end in sight… Throwing 0’s up on the scoreboard and you see that final O coming-
*She pulls your head back north and pulls you face-to-face.
- Well, fuck. That’s it. It’s over. You’ve been pulled from the game. She let you face two hitters, saw your fastball topped off at 80 MPH and pulled you from the game. It obviously was a groan of pain. You stink. You’re a complete and utter disgr-
*Penetration. You’re having sex. YOU’RE HAVING SOBER SEX.
- How did this even happen? You didn’t put it there. Maybe it got in by itself. It definitely does have a mind of its own, I’ve always had a theory… okay shut the fuck up you’re having sex.
*Take it easy there, big guy. Slow and steady. 2 seconds per-pump, that’s our rule of thumb for the first few minutes…
-This is awesome.
*30 seconds pass
-This is the best thing ever.
*20 seconds pass
-Okay, this is escalating quickly. At this pace you’re not going make it to the 7th inning stretch. Okay: change your delivery, keep the hitter on her toes…
*Girl flips to the top
-Take a breather there, champ. You’ve been hard at work for what seems like hours now. Even God rested on the seventh day. Let’s just let her take over for a little. You’re so close, she has to be close too. You’ve been doing God’s work, there’s no way she doesn’t get there, just keep taking it slow and stead-
* Not having to move makes you weak-willed. You’ve read this script before. It has a sudden and abrupt ending. All of a sudden, you’re holding back an avalanche with your bare hands.
-STOP! STOP IT RIGHT NOW. She hasn’t gotten there yet, don’t get ahead of yourself. The perfect game is still intact, but is now definitively hanging by a thread.
- Non-sexual thoughts. Grandparents. Kittens dying. Chris Christie. Newton’s Laws.
- And that ball is hit deep to left!! That ball is high, it is far, it… is…
- Game over.
*She looks like she thinks the game is still going. This is my nightmare.
-Nothing a little cuddling can’t more than make up for
*Getting impatient, you know all you want is to smoke a cigarette
“ I think I’m gonna go smoke a cigarette”
Female on the Female Orgasm
Ten seconds ago, I was writhing uncontrollably in bed, completely on fire, in it, amongst it. It completely devoured me. That orgasm was everything I intended it to be and more, because I had made it happen. Regardless of whether I'm playing alone or with someone, there is no doubt that reaching the apex of my sexual pleasure fundamentally depends on me. While a partner's skills can aid in the hunt, my treasure box, my sex, can only be opened when I've willingly released my inhibitions and let myself go.
There is a part of me, a part in most every one of us, that is so deeply and inherently sexual. We are carnal beings and we should learn to enjoy it. Despite what society has spewed at us about the sanctity (or nonexistence) of female sexuality and the subordinance (and superfluity) of the female orgasm, I’ve taught myself to think about it, to explore it, and to express certain things about myself, my sexual needs, and my desires. Now I can say with confidence that I love all these "dirty" parts--this fleshly side of me.
Despite the fact that our sexual needs as women are consistently subordinated by articles in COSMO, and the like, about how to give good blow jobs, look sexy and "give him more pleasure," I truly believe that as a woman, that animalistic and primal, bestial part of me is just as plentiful as in any man. The difference is that I have had to teach myself how to express that side of me, most fundamentally by letting go of my fears and finding my own orgasm. There is something profound about the fact that most of us women must actively explore and discover for ourselves how to reach an orgasm- it’s neither formulaic nor inevitable.
And, once we've found it, and realize we must share it to fulfill our desires, we have opened new pathways of potential communication and trust with partners. From the very place of self-exploration in which we found our own orgasm, we can learn to entrust this intimate and sacred secret with others, teaching them and learning from them new ways to understand ourselves as complete human beings—dirty, sexual, and sloppy parts included. So as a part of your journey to self-discovery, I urge you to touch yourself. Enjoy yourself. Explore and indulge the erotic side of yourself, let go of your hesitation and fear and relish in the pleasure of your flesh. Go, go and find your orgasms!
-Queen of Anarchy