Week In Review

Bastrop County Chairman Albert Ellison insisted that upcoming military exercise Jade Helm, which will take place partly in Texas, is a ploy by President Obama to establish marshal law in his county. President Obama reportedly conceded, “I’ve always wanted to use the US military capture and control the place The Undertaker lived in for like a few months. I’m sort of a mega fan.” 
 
Gov. Chris Christie declared his intention to run for President at Livingston High School, where as a student he was class president. His campaign hoped the location would impress upon voters Christie’s ability to win popularity contests and bully those who disagree with him from an early age.
 
After the rest of the GOP presidential field disavowed Donald Trump’s remarks on undocumented immigrants, Trump clarified that people “totally distorted my remarks. I called them rapists.”
 
A little over one week after the Supreme Court struck down any and all laws prohibiting gay marriage, newlyweds across the country think they’ve made a huge mistake.
 
Presidential hopeful Hilary Clinton visited Dartmouth College to speak to students and supporters, though her campaign allegedly did not allow members of the College Republicans to stand on stage behind her. Student Charles Springer is quoted saying his “own personal and private affiliation as a Republican should have had nothing to do with my ability to stand on that stage,” and “though I disagree with her party’s stance on entitlements, I deserve a spot standing right behind her,” and “why doesn’t everyone let me do anything I want all the time?”

Boston is full of trash.

The people of Greece voted against implementing further austerity measures required by the European Central Bank. After the vote, Prime Minister Alexis Tsparis reportedly called Angela Merkel to bring up reparations for World War II again while scratching an EU lottery ticket with the tip of a letter opener.