Waterbirth

—No, you don’t get it.
—So, it’s not a joke?
—No, definitely not a—see, you’re still not listening.
—…
—Because you’re not listening. 
—I am listening.
—No you’re not.
—….


—Everyone has that thing, you know?
—Ok…
—Could be anything just so long as it’s a thing, you know like a thing.
—Like pilates?
—Yeah like pilates, or like anagrams or whatever just as long as its only their thing. 
—Yup. Gotcha. 


—Well. My thing is that I was born on a diving board. 
—Like you’re a really good diver? 
—No, nothing like that.
—I didn’t know you dived, dude. 
—How are you not getting this, I was born on a diving board.
—Well I hear you, but then again, what the fuck does that mean.
—I was born on one. Like, literally on one.
—See that’s where I don’t get you, because that’s some weird shit.
—You mean like weirder than being born out of a pussy weird?


—Well, one it’s not like you can be born out of an asshole or a belly button.
—Yeah, but like, being born sort of has a baseline weirdness.
—And two if you aren’t gonna be born in a hospital why the fuck would you pick a diving board? 
—So, why is that when I say I was born suspended 6 feet above a swimming pool instead of a dirty hospital you all of the sudden freak out. Plus I didn’t pick it, my mom did.
—So what, she just gave birth and plop you drop into the swimming pool? Where were the doctors and nurses?
—Birth is natural man you don’t need doctors or nurses.
—Of course you do. There’s blood and pain and infection and all sorts of nasty shit. My mom was in the hospital for three days after she gave birth to me.
—You think the first baby had a doctor or a nurse?
—No.
—And he turned out alright didn’t he?
—Well yeah I guess, but still its like a comfort thing. Why would you even pick a diving board they’re so scaly. 
—Diving board births are cleaner than hospital births.
—Ok see, that’s why I’m not listening to you, you don’t make any sense. 


—Hospitals are filled with sickness, dude. You have no idea what the doctors and nurses who are now touching your baby have been exposed to when you sign up for that stuff.
—Most people don’t sign up for their births because they don’t do ‘em at fucking swimming pools.
—What it’s a sin my mom planned it out? Wanted something nice for herself?
—I’m not blaming her dude. But you keep talking about cleanliness. How do you know some kid wasn’t pissing in the pool when you plopped into it?
—That’s gross. No one actually does that.
—I don’t know dude…
—No seriously shut up that’s disgusting.
—…

 

—So the first thing you remember was diving into the water?
—Well I can’t remember it and I wasn’t diving, and I was like 0 minutes old and you’re not listening.
—Well I am listening.
—Whatever man, just pass the joint.