Week In Review

Rachel Dolezal resigned as president of the Spokane, Washington chapter of the NAACP after it was revealed that was not actually black. In her defense, Dolezal insisted that she continues to identify as black and, considering this is Spokane, Washington that’s “close enough.”
 
The Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, though Patrick Kane has more fun when they don’t
 
North Korean authorities reported on Friday that they have found cures for MERS, Ebola, SARS, and AIDS. Next the regime is said take on figuring out how to avoid massive famine when it doesn’t rain for a while.
 
Jeb Bush announced his candidacy, appealing to moderates on the basis of his record in Florida and appealing to radicals on the basis of his running against the wishes of his mother.
 
Former presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced that in the wake of Charleston, South Carolina must remove its Confederate flag from its state capitol. Mindful of the Carolina primary ahead, Lindsay Graham, Marco Rubio, and Jeb Bush replied, "Yeah, well, you know that's just like your opinion, man.
 
Donald Trump announced his candidacy before a crowd of supporters declaring, “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created,” “I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end,” and “Someone in this room arm wrestle me. Anyone. I’ll win.”  
 
As a new immigration law in the Dominican Republic is set to lead to the expulsion of hundreds of thousands of Haitian immigrants. Behind closed doors, president Danilo Medina has reportedly insisted his cabinet members continually give him high fives and call him “Hurricane Dani.” 
 
The FDA declared that food companies must get rid of trans fats from their products by 2018. Strong opponents of the law were too winded to comment.
 
This happened.
 
After the apprehension of the gunman and white supremacist responsible for the mass shooting in a black church in Charleston, NRA president Wayne LaPierre reportedly called an emergency meeting at his old, formerly abandoned castle in the Transylvanian countryside to “do some spit balling.”